


the last straw

by MidnightBlueMoon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Gen, I don't know what I did here, Missing Scene, Post Episode 2x15, post 2x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 15:23:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11900550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightBlueMoon/pseuds/MidnightBlueMoon
Summary: Post 2x15.Simon doesn't really have any place to go to, so he goes somewhere else and has a long over-due conversation.





	the last straw

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't even know what this is. Maybe it's crack or OOC, I wrote this between 3am and 5am, so please blame it on that.
> 
> If you find some mistakes, tell me - if you hate it, leave - if you like it, then I am pleased.  
> Sorry. I should go to sleep.

Telling Clary that he needed some space felt like ripping his already crushed heart out and have the pieces thrown into a mixer. But Simon knew that he needed to let her go – for good. But with Clary there, the institute was no place for him. The other options weren’t perfect either. He didn’t want to explain things to his Mom and going back to Luke – a cop _and_ Clary’s step-father – really wasn’t an option right now. Also, everything there reminded him of her. So with no places to go to, he picked one to not-go to. And because Simon was a masochistic idiot, he chose the worst not-option possible.  
That was how he ended up on Raphael’s doorstep, again.

Raphael wore his stoic face like a mask – but Simon hoped that at some point he would learn to look through that mask, because he constantly felt like he was letting the Clan leader down. Which he probably was.  
“Back here, amigo?” Simon almost wished Raphael would just say that he was not welcome. Then he could go and pretend this didn’t happen. But Simon never got to hear those words. Instead, there were words tumbling out of his mouth – that was no unusual thing – but they actually made sense and they seemed to be torn out of his soul.

“I am _so_ sorry. I should have never betrayed you for Clary and if I could, I would not break Camille out of her coffin! I know I can’t prove that, but you _have_ to believe me – selling out”, the word burned in his throat, but he knew it was the truth, “the Clan like that was a really, _really_ shitty thing to do.” Simon was kind of aware that his hands were flying though the air and almost hitting him in the face occasionally, but he had nothing else to lose tonight. “I know I can’t undo things and _g-_ ”, he choked on the lord’s name as always, “hell, this is not meant to make you forgive me, but I thought you should know that I am truly sorry. Like, really sorry.” He breathed in deeply, even though his body didn’t need it anymore.  
The pause made him really look at Raphael again, for the first time since he had started rambling. There was a muscle twitching in Raphael’s jaw, his face otherwise stone-cold. Simon could have sworn that moment Raphael had never smiled before, even though he had _seen_ it before on very rare occasions. He kept those memories in a little box with a lot of question marks on it, but that he could figure out another time.

“Are you done, fledgling?” The nickname Raphael had given him – which was not something he did with everyone, as Simon has learned – made Simon get his hopes up, even if just the tiniest bit.  
He awkwardly let his hands drop to his side. “I guess so? Wait, no!” He starred down on his feet for a second before looking the Clan leader in the eyes. He didn’t find courage there, but also no indifference – instead it was something like softness, mixed with wariness. He probably deserved that, Simon thought.  
“I was an idiot. I was blinded by my feelings all along – and I _know_ everyone told me that, but I am not good at listening, I’m _way_ better at talking. Being in love with Clary”, her name cut him like a knife but he needed to get this off his chest, “was so blinding, so consuming that I forgot that I will never be like her. The path she is walking I can only follow so far and I should have been smarter than to abandon the only person who understood what I was going through.” He wasn’t trying to flatter Raphael or make him feel for him – Clary didn’t understand what being a monster felt like. Oh, that sounded _so_ wrong.

“She doesn’t understand what it feels like to be… shaped like a monster. To be made of parts that could belong to a monster, to be seen as a monster and she can’t understand how hard it is to still believe you are not. She never will.”

Simon blinked. “I said that out loud?” The hint of amusement lightening up Raphael’s eyes for a split second felt like home to him – even though Raphael was amused by how much of an idiot he was. But Simon wasn’t here to get distracted by the older vampire’s beautiful eyes. (Even though, he kind of saw it as a perk of being here.)  
“I didn’t mean to say that, but well! Yes. I meant that. I guess I just… I forgot everything else. I forgot that you would suffer and that the Clan would suffer and then all this Daylighter stuff happened – and no, I can’t tell you the secret, Raphael, I _can’t_.” Simon was done hiding his feelings. His eyes were swollen, there were tear tracks on his face, his fangs hurt, he was hungry and tired and sad and he just wanted to lay down. His heart ached. He already hit rock bottom, what was left to lose? _Dignity_? He decided in a split second to kick that into the trash as well.

He looked at Raphael as his knees hit the asphalt. He could have sworn that the leader’s eyes widened for a second before he slipped behind his mask again. Simon’s eyes never left his face.  
“I have nothing to offer you, Raphael. I have nowhere to go to, no-one to lose and _I know_ that asking you this is too much to ask – but can I stay here? Please? One night is all I’m asking and I know, I know you don’t owe me anything, I owe you if anything, but I have _literally_ nothing left to give but my life – even that I don’t really have, since I’m technically dead – but you can have it.”

As soon as the words left his mouth Simon was aware of what he was saying – of what he was offering. But he shut his mouth, unwilling to take back what he had just proposed. He sat back on his heels. He saw Raphael watching him closely, the way a predator watched its prey before it killed it – and that metaphor was way too accurate, because a split second later Raphael had a fucking  _stake_ pointed at Simon’s heart.  
If his heart was still beating, it would be jumping out of his chest by now – but it wasn’t.

“I could take your life right here and now and I would be able to justify it to the Clave.” The deep rumble of Raphael’s voice sounded threatening, _murderous_ even. Simon nodded. “I know. But right now, I would rather be dead than being claimed by the Seelie Queen or ripped apart by a werewolf. I have literally nothing to tell you, Raphael. There is no way to justify what I have done.” It felt freeing to say that. It felt like for the first time in forever his head was quiet, not filled with unsaid words. Simon grabbed the stake. “Do it. Take what’s yours.”

And that moment was the first time Simon really saw Raphael speechless. The mask slipped of his face, revealing a young face marked by years spent worrying, a face filled with pain and sadness and _shock_ – shock that Simon would give him this, that this was not something that could be taken from Simon, that it was something he chose. Shock that the boy he saw Simon as was willing to _die_ – again – to make up for the mistakes he made.  
Raphael slowly lowered the stake. “No.” Simon’s eyes widened comically. But before he could start babbling again, Raphael help up a hand. “It would be like punishing a child for the mistakes they made. It is only cruel, not just.”  
Simon could feel relief floating his system. He was not dying tonight.

“But.” Simon snapped back to attention, looking at Raphael, who casually leaned against the stake he had just pointed at Simon’s heart. “I will accept your offer. Your life as payment. And because not all monsters do monstrous things, I am generous tonight.” Raphael’s face was still frozen, but his jaw wasn’t clenched anymore and he was almost smiling. With his eyes, at least. A little. Maybe it was just the light. Simon knew he had a wild imagination.  
“You can stay here as long as you want. I can not guarantee you that everyone will treat you kindly. I can also not guarantee you that you will not be ripped apart once you walk in there.” Simon swallowed the lump in his throat down before he nodded. He opened his mouth to answer but Raphael cut him off with the movement of his hand.  
“If you will ever betray me again, Simon, your life is forfeit. If you don’t understand that – or if there is just the slightest chance that you will betray the Clan again, you should run now, _amigo_ , because otherwise your death will be very, very painful.” Raphael smirked at him. A smirk full of teeth and anger, full of hidden disappointment. Simon felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore.  
“I know”, he croaked. He tried again. “I understand what you are saying.” He hoped he looked more confident than he was feeling – he had just sold his life to a man who had every reason to hate him. Raphael nodded at him. “I certainly hope you do.” Throwing away the stake, he turned on his heels. “Follow me, fledgling.”

Simon stumbled to his feet, but before he crossed the doorstep, he muttered: “Thank you.” He could hear Raphael slow his step. Then a very quiet voice carried over to him. “Do not thank me. After all, you owe me everything now.” Simon nodded slowly. That was true – but if he was right and he was pretty sure about this, then this was also a “You’re welcome.”. Maybe not in the sense of being welcome in his home, but maybe they would get there. Eventually. After all, Simon had time. Lots of time actually.

“Simon, get inside now or I will rip your head of.” He should not push his luck to soon, Simon noted.


End file.
